A Tale of Four Edwards and Daniel
by snshyne
Summary: Lovin In The Oven Contest Promo Ever wonder how, with all of the Edwards in the world, none of them ever cross paths? These four Edwards and Daniel Gale are about to collide in a crazy fuckery filled day...
1. Chapter 1

This tale was written in conjunction with the Anonymous Lovin' In The Oven Contest (**www{dot}fanfiction{dot}net/~lovinintheovencontest) **that I'm co-hosting with FL95_JoJo (Dickward), 107yearoldvirgin (Dee), DanielleR123 (Flower Child), and Annetteskitty aka Danielgaleh00rs (Daniel Gale).

We do not own this characters, but this improv was fun!

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**A Tale of Four Edwards and Daniel: How it Came to Be**

**SUMMARY: Ever wonder how, with all of the Edwards in the world, none of them ever cross paths? Well, call it serendipity, call it fate, whatever you want, no matter, because these Edwards and Daniel are about to collide in a crazy fuckery filled day...**

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**Dickward POV**

"Are you fuckin' kiddin me?" I asked myself while I waited for the Swan's goddamn half caf decaf mocha somethin' or other bullshit that she just HAD to fucking have this morning.

I will never in a million goddamn years understand the woman's cravings for this shit lately.

I mean what am I, a fucking butler now?

And speaking of which, why was there a dude with two kids and man purse walkin' around like they were lookin' for cracks in the sidewalk?

I laughed because seriously, he reminded me of the Kid…less all the tattoos and shit. And that beanie on top of this guy's head...

But anyway...

_You've got cases up to your fucking eyeballs, Cullen, just…ignore the nice beanie wearing dude and go home with Swan's coffee fuckery._

One of the rugrats caught my attention...the little one was crying.

"Shit."

"Here ya are, sir…that'll be…"

"Keep the fucking change," I said to the pimple faced, squeaky voiced twelve year old behind the counter, handing him a ten spot, then I headed across the street to no doubt, fill my day with some crazy ass fuckery like finding someone's sleeping blanket or some shit like that.

The beanie wearing dude jumped a little when I approached him, and I asked, "You look a little…lost…somethin' I can help you all with?"

**Dee POV**

I spun around, instantly wrapping the kids to my side as I faced the gruff voiced man that now stood in front of me.

I must have looked scared or some shit because he…snickered…at me.

_Asshole._

I narrowed my eyes and took a step back warily. "We lost a toy."

The other man rolled his eyes. "I knew it."

"Is dat yor bwovew?" Brady sniffled and I looked down to see him staring between me and the man in confusion.

"Huh? No, Lil' Man. You know Alice is my only sibling."

"Sibwing," Brady chuckled.

"Sister," I explained and shook my head at his cuteness.

"Dee, he really looks a lot like you," Bree called quietly from my side, her head tilted curiously.

I scratched the beanie on my head and looked the man over. I didn't see it.

He continued to stare at me, his face showing irritation as we stood face to face in silence.

Finally, I broke. "Brady lost his Muno doll. I'm on my way to a cooking class being conducted by a fancy chef or something. A present from my…boss." I looked down at the kids, wondering if they could tell what was going on between Bella and me, yet. Shaking it off, I turned back to the man. "Anyway, Brady lost his Muno doll and I'm supposed to drop them off at my Mom's so that I can make it to this class, but he's refusing to go until we find that freaky red…thing."

**Dickward POV**

_Goddamn motherfucking told you, Cullen…you just don't know when to step…the fuck…away._

_Hmmmm, he does look kinda…_

_Nah_.

"So uh…" I looked down at the little whipper snapper that couldn't quite talk the fuck right and asked him, "What's this…Muno thing a ma fuh…jig look like anyway?"

The beanie hatted guy tensed a little at my…almost faux fucking pas, but hey, I stopped myself, and that's sayin' a whole hell of a lot, if ya ask me.

Little dude looked at me funny, and then went into this crazy ass debauchery about what the fuck this toy was and I was immediately sorry I'd asked that shit.

He took a long ass deep breath of air and his little chipmunk cheeks puffed out before he expelled it and then he started flapping his hands around animatedly. "Muno is dis monstew…he's, wike, willy willy big. An he's wed wif dese bubbles all ovew him." He looked up at the one I could only fucking assume was named Dee since that's what the little girl had called him. Getting the silent "go ahead", he figured it was okay to continue and then the little guy looked at me again with the big honkin' wide as fuck eyes. "He sings…dere's a pawty in my tummy…" Then he looked back up at Dee again, expectantly.

"Don't," Beanie dude pleaded with him quietly.

Little dude stomped his foot and I about lost my shit, trying not to laugh...'cause i had a pretty good feelin' that this shit was gonna be fuckin' hilarious. "DERE'S A PAWTY...IN MY TUMMY!"

I cocked an eyebrow 'cause that little dude looked like he was about to fuckin' throw down like a pro if beanie wearing Dee didn't respond in the appropriate goddamn manner. He looked like he was about to die of some serious ass embarrassment and I just sat there waiting patiently, enjoying the goddamn show.

"So yummy, so yummy," he finally sang through clenched teeth. "There. Are you happy?"

And surprisingly enough, the little guy looked pretty fucking appeased to me.

I choked the laughter down, trying pretty goddamn hard might I add, to not make Beanie Dude look too pussy whipped for singin' that shit and asked if he wanted some help finding the fucking toy.

What?

You think I like to see little non-speaking correctly little monsters who bully their babysitters lose their toys on a daily goddamn basis?

I do have a niece, ya know.

I know how that shit works.

**Dee POV**

"Look," I said, trying not to sound ungrateful and as annoyed as I felt at this particular moment. Leaning in to speak to him, I lowered my voice. "This thing looks like a dildo with legs. I'm serious. It has one eye and it's red and has studs all over it. It really shouldn't be all that friggin' hard to find. Unless someone picked it up."

Stepping back away from him I watched his eyes narrow, like he thought I was totally jacking with him.

I wasn't, by the way. I was pretty sure this guy had a gun and I couldn't run with these two kids by my side. Plus, the Celibacy Wagon was parked three blocks away and there was no way we'd get anywhere.

And I seriously didn't want this guy making fun of my awesome ride.

"Dee, maybe he dropped it across the street when we crossed at the light?" Bree tugged on my hand and I glanced over my shoulder to see if anything caught my attention.

Surprisingly, all I noticed was a guy in a bright rainbow colored sweater.

_The hell was he wearing?_

**Dickward POV**

"What the fuck?"

A gasp, a small person giggle and a slap on the back of my head later, I realized I'd said that shit out loud and apologized. To the kids that is...I was pretty sure this Dee guy had a potty mouth, he was just better at hiding it than I was.

I rubbed the back of my neck and pushed back the urge to pull the Colt out because if nothin' else, I knew how tryin' to protect someone you love felt and I probably would've fucking a dick twat up for offending Swan in front of me.

"Is..." I pointed to the guy across the street in the...REALLY bad fucking outfit and asked, "That it?"

"Unfortunately," Dee told me and I started across the street to go ask the guy who looked like he might have more issues than just his wardrobe why the fuck he had the little guy's dildo.

I mean, Muno.

What the fuck ever.

He looked harmless, but I'd gone up against harmless looking motherfuckers before...they can be sneaky sons of bitches.

"Hey!" I yelled and then heard the party of three behind me screaming, too.

**Daniel Gale POV**

With a belly full of poached eggs, prune juice, and toast, I decided to venture out on a brisk morning walk. After a few blocks, I stumbled upon a bright orange phallus on the side walk.

I picked up the curiosity and examined it. Surely this would be too large for Bella's vagina. As I felt the weight of the phallus in my hand, I admired its smooth skin and nubby texture.

_Wow, with a little warming gel this might feel nice in my bu-_

"Muno!" A small child exclaimed, interrupting my thoughts and walking over with whom I presumed was his sister and two daddies.

"Hello, little one. Uh...is this yours?" I asked. I was utterly confused.

The little sprog grabbed his "Muno" with glee.

I looked up at his daddies. "Are you sure that's a proper toy for a child?"

**Dee POV**

God hates me. Hands down. No question about it.

I ran after Brady as he cradled Muno in his hands and squealed excitedly. The guy in the rainbow sweater was looking at me and this…dick…like we were straight out of the sitcom My Two Dads.

"Hi," I said breathlessly, extending my hand. "I'm Dee. These are my kids…well, I mean, I'm their Nanny. Manny. Man nanny."

Nice.

Don frowned at my lack of manliness in the situation.

The rainbow boy smiled and extended his hand, "Daniel Gale. Pleasure to meet you."

Bree made a strangled noise in her throat and I dropped to my knee to make sure she was okay. "What is it, Princess?"

Her mouth hung open as she stared in wonder between me and the two other guys. "I'm seeing double. Triple…" She shook her head and frowned.

"Maybe I should cancel this cooking class?" I asked her.

She shook her head 'no'. "It's a present, Dee. We want you to go."

I nodded and stood again, glaring at the jerk-who-still-hadn't-introduced-himself as he chuckled and then caught himself, stood up straighter, crossing his arms and said, "Sorry."

"Thanks for your help," I said tightly. "I guess we'll be going now that Muno has been found…"

His laughter became even more apparent as he watched Brady waving the red monstrosity around and shaking his ass. I was just glad he didn't want to break out into Baby Got Back.

"Again, may I ask, are you _sure_ that's a proper toy for a child?" Daniel shifted his glasses on his nose and gazed down at Brady.

Brady laughed and stopped his dancing. "Oh, 'ello govnah!"

Daniel gave me a quizzical look.

"My boss thinks British guys are hot," I snorted, wondering what Bella would think of this particular English transplant. "I taught Brady that British accent thingy…to…impress chicks."

The dick was covering his mouth now, trying to keep the laughter at bay, thank god.

"We're gonna go," I huffed and turned waving a hand behind me. "Thanks for your help." A thought hit me and I stopped suddenly, feeling Bree run into my leg as I skidded to a halt.

"One last thing?" I asked the dick. "Do you know how to get here?" I held out a paper with the name and address of the restaurant I was supposed to be headed to.

**Dickward POV**

I swear to fucking god, I wanted to just run the other way, go home, give Swan her...mother shit and fuck me, I'd forgotten all about her chocolate coffee concoction...

Oh well...

Seeing how I was probably already knee deep into shit with her, I figured, why the hell not just keep on diggin'?

Right?

"Where ya headed?" I asked him and when he told me, I about lost my shit.

Again.

Because damn if The Kid was certainly in for a surprise with this crew of mis-fucking-fits.

"As a matter of fuck...sorry, _fact_...I do," I told Dee, the beanie sporting manny, as I semi-laughed again, 'cause that shit just never gets old.

The rainbow sweater wearing English dude smiled and I scooted a little further away from him as I led the way.

**Flower Child's POV**

"So after you get finished slicing the mushrooms..." I paused in the middle of my lesson. The door opened, filtering in an earful of whining, shushing and...Fuck. Me. Running. No. Anyone but...

"Hey Kid."

The leather-twat-winking-at-me-motherfucker.

Bella laughed at my side. I looked over to glare and she was leaning forward, not looking at me, but rather, wiggling her fingers at him. The 'winks' were directed at her and I stabbed the knife to the cutting board in immense disgust for this display of cheater-winking.

Those were my fucking eyes and fingers and fuck the Dick. You know?

Not to mention, this was my damn class and now everyone was paying attention to the little tribe of children and men and...what in the fucking hell was that dude wearing?

I had to take a breath.

Okay, question one: Who wears a sweater in the middle of summer?

Question two: what respectable man wears a rainbow sweater any time of year?

I rubbed my face and praised Jesus silently in my head for a closet full of heterosexual black tank-tops. Although...

"Dickward, so nice to see you. Why don't you and your wife come in and sit down. You're late and disrupting my class. Get the Nanny and the children a seat too. We're making ravioli today."

I adjusted my junk and tucked Bella into my side. Wink at me now, fucker.

**Dickward POV**

"Ice your shorts, kid...this guy" I waved a thumb at the beanie wearing manny. "Says he has a cooking lesson scheduled."

I thought I was done, but realized what the fuck he was insinuating and added, "And that..." I nodded to the skittles ad. "Is NOT my fucking wife."

The kids...the real kids, that is, eyeballed me and I said, "Sorry, he started it."

Then I caught an eye full of the best-cook-I'd-ever-encountered-makes-my-dick-hard-in-an-oh-so-hot-mama-goodness kinda way, Bella and smirked. "Hey Sweet Tits," I said, just because I knew it would eat at the Kid.

**Dee POV**

I had to laugh at the cluster standing before me. "I knew you were a dick," I chuckled.

"I'm a P.I.," he all but growled at me.

My chuckle died in my throat, so I cleared it, trying to keep my cool. I'd barely glanced at the dude behind the cutting table, but now I looked right at him.

Bree tugged on my pant leg. "Dee? Why does every guy look like…"

"Shh," I hissed, frowning at the guy. Because beside him was a strikingly familiar…and hot…woman.

"This is the effing Twilight Zone," I muttered. Jasper should be here to see this shit and add it to his Bar. Snapping back to reality, I waved at the instructor. "Sorry about this. It's a long story, but I'm just gonna call my Mom real fast and have her pick the kids up if that's okay?" Without waiting for another response, I ushered the kids out the door, thankful that Daniel had piped up and was taking the attention off of me.

Esme answered on the second ring, and within fifteen minutes she had the kids packed away into the car.

Don't get me wrong, this was a really nice gift from Bella and the kids, but I was starting to feel like I was getting myself into something a little more adventurous than a simple cooking class. But I'm way too nosy to have let that sway me from going back inside.

**Flower Child**

"Whatever. Just sit down. All of you."

That got Bella back on my side. I felt a hand slide a little lower than the table we were working on. God damn right. After everyone took their seats, I began my lesson again, explaining how to saute the mushrooms and season properly. that was our filling. I kept feeding pieces to Bella for two reasons.

One: to fuck with Dickward.

Two? To fuck with Dickward.

I removed the pan from the stove and set it aside while I cleared a spot to begin my lesson in fresh pasta making. The sparkly stuff from the Dick's wife's sweater kept catching my eye. It was highly fucking distracting.

I glanced up and he was watching very closely, almost looking like he wanted to say something. Even one of his fingers was pointed up, like he was about to interrupt. Dick was staring at him, one hand over his mouth like he wanted to laugh. I looked back to the green sweater dude.

I pointed at him. "You have something on your mind about our lesson, today or something?"

**Daniel Gale POV **

I raised my hand. I was so excited to be taking a cooking class!

"You know, tomato products are very good for the prostate gland. Scientists suspect the antioxidants help reduce cancer." I smiled and looked around at my new mates. Just a few bros, hanging out, learning to make a gourmet meal for their life partners. I knew they would all appreciate my bits of wisdom.

Our heavily tatooed instructor looked at me as if i hadn't a clue as to what I was talking about. So I decided to change the subject and looked over at Dick.

"My Nan always put sausages in our pasta. I'll bet you like to eat sausages!" I said with a friendly smile, trying to make conversation.

Dick scowled at me.

"I mean, it's ok with me if you do...uh...well, I'm very open minded about alternative lifestyles and I think it is great that you and your life mate are doing such a great job raising your children together."

I held my hand up for a "bro-fist".

**Dickward POV**

I was losing what was left of my goddamn temper with this debauchery I'd found myself in for some ungodly fucking reason today.

So I held a hand up to my newly found rainbow colored, skittles advocate, eyeballing his fist, bumping it slightly and said, "Okay, let's get one thing fucking thing straight," I whispered quietly to the guy. "I'm not...fucking...gay..."

_Not that there's anything fucking wrong with that...but you know. I don't goddamn swing that way._

I eyeballed The Kid and continued, "No matter what that guy says."

He nodded politely and responded with, "Well, either way."

I would've retorted to that shit, but that was when the smell of whatever the fuck the Kid was making made it over to me and I just stopped...then I turned to the Kid as asked, "Did you say, Ravioli?"

**Secretward POV**

I stood in the doorway wondering what the fuck Bella got me into with this shit when I saw two dudes, one in leather and one in...something furry, arguing about something to do with being gay.

Not that it would be an issue, but I mean, I clearly swung in one way and that way was Bella.

I looked around the room and decided that she must have been on some shit or I was on some shit when I agreed to come to another fucking class. Without her. Why? Because she had a shitton of work to do and she needed to get it done without me hanging around trying to get her done every two fucking seconds.

There's nothing in here but a bunch of crazy looking motherfuckers and that one at the front with the knife looks like he's about to lose his shit and the one in leather has to be half cocked. I bet the beanie wearing dude is high as fuck. I can't even comment on the rainbow sweater. That shit is ten kinds of wrong. What's even more fucked, is he seems like the most normal. Besides yours truly obviously.

"Can I help you?" The knife wielding dude asked, giving me some crazy ass stare while he possesively clutched the lone chic in the room who happened to look like...nah, not her.

"My girlfriend thinks I need something to occupy my time other than her, so she sent me here."

"Take a fucking seat."

I stood there for a second, annoyed as fuck because I didn't appreciate his tone. Plus, I was already annoyed for running late, but Bella distracted me. Sitting on my couch with her hair pulled up and messy and a pencil being held between her teeth, as she edited a draft of a cookbook.

_Baseball, crying kittens, blondes, cheap vodka_.

I could not be thinking of Bella right now, that only went in one direction. Up. But he had a knife and I don't have a fucking death wish, so I sat my ass down.

There weren't that many seats left open, so I had to decide which crazy ass motherfucker I wanted to sit by. It was like picking the shorter end of the shortest stick. Dude in the leather looked like he needed twenty feet of fucking space and we don't need two giant egos in the same fucking space. Rainbow kinda worried me, even though he seemed the most normal. So I picked the beanie bro because he just seemed like he wanted to chill. I can do chill.

**Daniel Gale POV **

I leaned over towards the new bloke and gave a little wave and a smile.

"Hello," I said cheerfully. "It's nice to meet you. I'm Daniel. Don't you just love meat filled pastas?"

"Uh, yeah I do." he replied with a serious expression on his face. "Especially when smothered in a thick creamy sauce." A sneaky grin appearing on his face, like he had some kind of secret.

"My kind of bloke!" I gave my new friend a "bro-fist" so he would feel welcomed to the group. He returned my fist bump enthusiastically.

"Well, I hope everyone has washed their hands. We wouldn't want to transfer any pathogens though the fecal oral route, now would we?" I added with a chuckle. I couldn't wait to get my hands on that lady's raviolis.

**Dickward's Random Thought**

_Meat in the Ravioli...hmmmm...no, __**sausage**__...now THAT would be a fucking fantastic addition to the Ravioli. Rainbow sweater guy is a goddamn genius!_

**Dee POV**

Now, this was just ridiculous. Another guy just stepped through the door and, _punch me in the face if I was wrong_, but he looked so damn familiar I had a brush of déjà vu.

He'd sat down next to me and Daniel immediately welcomed him with some talk of meat and cream. I wanted to laugh. I mean, I did laugh.

_My inner kid dropped his pants and mooned the chef._

The new guy looked over at me and nodded.

"Hey," I whispered and tilted my head towards the front. "So, your girlfriend made you come to this like mine did?"

He smirked. "That's what I said, right?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Same story here. I went to school for this shit. What do I need to take a class on ravioli for? The kids eat Chef Boyardee…"

He quirked a brow. "I know what you mean. My girl and I already did a ravioli class. Plus, this cooking shit is like genetic in my family."

Daniel smiled and the Dick glared.

"What?" I laughed lowly. "I'm sure I'm not the only one in this class that is sleeping with his boss. Or co-worker…" My eyes flicked up towards the front again. "My girl reads these porn things online…and the guys are always sleeping with their bosses. There was this one," I dug into my pocket and pulled out my phone to scroll to the page I had bookmarked, "where they get it on in the restaurant kitchen. On the pass. It's, like…porn…but intellectual. Eye porn."

I chuckled and handed the phone over to the new guy.

**Secretward POV**

Rainbow dude, kinda creepy, but seemed like he'd be good to kick around some laughs and shit. By his pasta comment, I bet he'd get along for fucking sure with Emmett. I was still definitely thinking of meat filled creamy pasta and wondering if I could make that shit for Bella tonight and then eat the cream sauce off her, when Beanie bro handed me his phone to show some kind of lit-porn his, apparently kinky, girl was into.

"What the shit?" I basically shouted into the room. Then, I immediately wondered if I could get Bella to read some of this stuff. I won't lie, I've had many, many fantasies of Bella's bare ass on the counter top, my head between her thighs. Bella bent over, holding onto anything while I fucked her skillfully.

_Shit. Kittens, baseball. Ah, fuck it_.

"Where did you say she gets this shit again?"

"Some website. Here," he said pointing to the link on his phone. I immediately brought out my iPhone and copied the link. Fuck yeah, Bella better be done working when I get back.

"They have other shit too?"

"Obviously," Beanie bro nodded enthusiastically. "There's this one where they screw in this kind of abandoned building in the middle of some kind of shoot out or something. There's another one where the guy is trying to sneak up on the girl or something and hears her calling his name in the bathroom while she was...ya know...working herself up in the tub. That actually happened to me...it's like someone was watching me and writing that shit down as it happened."

"Thanks, man. Food for thought, huh?" I said with a laugh. I was about to ask him if they act shit out or some other stupid shit to take my mind off of being here, when I was cut off by the crazy dude in leather who was looking at his watch, then up at the dude with the big knife.

"Think we can get on with this fuckery, kid? I've got Swans to do and things to see." _What a dick_. In a crazy-half-cocked-take-no-bullshit kinda way. I can deal with that.

I looked around the room and it struck me as fucking odd. For just a moment, I thought these fuckers all felt familiar. In that, I probably bumped into you at Starbucks or you graced the dance floor at Eclipse kinda way. I shook it off an decided it must be that lit-porn shit I was reading, making all the blood drain from my damn brain.

I looked at my phone, noticing that site had a search feature and I typed in "sex and food" to see what I might get. Holy fuck, the hit count was fucking insane! I slid my phone under the table like when Jasper and I used to sneak peak porn in high school, and got ready to dive in and find something to read to Bella tonight.

**Bella POV**

I smacked my hand down on the counter. Correction. I smacked my damn hand down on the_ motherfucking_ counter, where there was an egg in the middle of the flour-well Flower Child created for the pasta tutorial. The pasta tutorial none of these fuckheads were paying attention to. The tomato-up-the-ass-guy had slimy yellow running down his fuck-me-in-an-odd-sort-of-way glasses.

I snapped my fingers at the beanie fucker.

"_You._ Gimme that fucking phone."

He began to protest and I lost my shit. I could be doing a million other things right now, other than babysitting fuck-sticks who can't shut down their ADD issues for an hour lesson making something as stupid and simple as pasta. Flower Child is gonna get his pussy-lick on tonight for this crap. I swear to motherfucking Pie.

I held out my hand. My eyes closed so they didn't pop out of my head from the level rage I was feeling.

Ah, feels so good to be a real Chef again.

"I said gimme your fucking phone, Twat-waffle!"

If only there was as trash can in foot's reach.

Slowly, he walked up to me. I could hear Flower Child trying not to snicker, but he is a snickering motherfucker when I lose my mind. When it's not because of him, course. I glared at his ass. He straightened right up. He knows better than to fuck with me. The beanie guy started to walk away. I grabbed the back of his shirt and held him in place while I looked at the phone's screen.

Mother of all things Butterbean related. Fuck my life.

**To . Be . Continued...**

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**A/N**

**Lovin In The Oven Contest - FFn Profle - www{dot}fanfiction{dot}net/~lovinintheovencontest - Host Blog - www{dot}lovinintheovencontest{dot}blogspot{dot}com**

**Please come check it out. Even if you don't enter, we hope you remember when it's time to vote!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**xx**


	2. Chapter 2

This tale was written in conjunction with the Anonymous Lovin' In The Oven Contest (**www{dot}fanfiction{dot}net/~lovinintheovencontest) **that I'm co-hosting with FL95_JoJo (Dickward), 107yearoldvirgin (Dee), DanielleR123 (Flower Child), and Annetteskitty aka Danielgaleh00rs (Daniel Gale).

We do not own this characters, but this improv was fun!

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**A Tale of Four Edwards and Daniel: How it Came to Be**

**Part 2**

**SUMMARY: Ever wonder how, with all of the Edwards in the world, none of them ever cross paths? Well, call it serendipity, call it fate, whatever you want, no matter, because these Edwards and Daniel are about to collide in a crazy fuckery filled day...**

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**Dickward POV**

Beanie wearing Dee walked back to where the rest of us were sitting and then turned, to no goddamn doubt ask Sweet Tits for his porn infested phone back.

Now, on any other day, I might of sat back and watched that shit unfold in front of me while eating an extra large plate over-fucking-flowing with the Kids kung pao chicken dish like it was superbowl sunday with the Redskins kickin' the shit outta the goddamn Cowboys, but I was feeling a little bad for the guy, manny, man nanny, whatever the hell it was he called himself, after the fucked up beyond recognition type of morning he was having, so I told him, "Do _not_ fuck with her, she'll kick your ass ten times to Sunday faster than you can say I'm a U.S. goddamn citizen, my friend."

He looked at me questioning my fucking integrity and I told him, just for good goddamn measure, "No shit."

"I _need _that phone," he told me and I asked him, because I was in a merciful fucking mood that day, "More than you need your balls?"

He sat down slowly after that, cupping said balls and just replied, "Uh...no."

"Smart motherfucking move."

**Daniel Gale POV**

I removed my glasses and wiped off the egg yolk onto a paper towel. I then wiped my hands with a glob of the hand sanitizer that Emmett packed in the pocket of my messenger bag. After cleaning my glasses on my sweater I placed them back on my face and looked around the room.

I was confused. I didn't know women liked to look at pornographic material and she appeared to like what she saw. _What is she looking at?_ I wondered. So I leaned towards her. She cocked an eyebrow and smiled at me, inviting me to take a peek.

_Oh my God! I didn't know you could do that with a -_

**Bella POV**

_"_Okay, new change in plans, since apparently you waffles don't want to learn about pasta making. So fine." I turned and picked up a zucchini from the table. I hit it against my palm like it was a baseball bat. Or cock. Whatever. I held the gaze of the rainbow-sweater-boy, since he looked nervous.

"I happen to own a place in Canada called Envoke. It's all about your senses. _Teasing_ you. _Pleasing_ you. Bringing you to the height of your..." I leaned in towards him and patted the end of the vegetable against my cheek. "..._experience_. Food can be very arousing. Erotic. _Sensual_."

I rubbed the zucchini across my lips. I sucked a little on the end. I shifted my eyes towards the beanie guy, since rainbow-sweater-dude looked like he was gonna - or had - creamed his pants.

"Don't you agree, Phone-sex-boy?"

**Dee POV**

Umm...Don is confused.

Is it technically cheating if the chick you are getting a woody over looks..and sounds...ridiculously close to the one you are actually sleeping with? Because this woman just sucked off a zucchini and the way she said 'sex' made my inner kid stare openly at her boobs.

And then I remembered the guy standing next to her, covered in tatts and wearing a scowl so fierce I was slightly concerned that he was gonna go Man-Bobbit with the knife he was digging into the wooden cutting board in front of him.

I quirked a brow in his direction and smirked at my substitute Bella. I mean, SHE was the one who called ME 'Phone-sex-boy', right?

I extended my palm for my phone and dropped my voice. "What exactly did you have in mind?"

Flashes of Smurfette flipped through my head. Was this chick really suggesting that she was going to dick around with all of us in the class? I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

Scratch that. I did know how I felt about that.

This girl was gorgeous and all, but my Bella was everything I'd ever been looking for. And I'd be damned if I screwed it up while at a class that SHE had paid for as a GIFT to me.

Change of plans.

"I was just wondering because...well...I think that Daniel over there might really like a lesson or two in...oral produce seduction." I challenged her with a knowing look and slid my eyes to the man at her side.

**Dickward POV **

I snorted when Dee said that fuckery before I could hold that shit back and everyone in the goddamn room gawked at me.

"What?"

**Secretward POV**

Holy. Fucking. Shit. What the hell? First of all, I am not about to suck off a fucking zucchini, but if this girl wants to entertain us, she can go ahead. Secondly, I'm just going to watch her and have thoughts of Bella's fucktastic dick play skills. I sighed dreamily, like the love sick, horny bastard I was, still wondering how the fuck I got into this shit.

I looked around at the other guys in the room. Beanie bro looked like he had all but checked out of this shit. I saw him loading some little ankle biters into a car when I arrived. I figured he had a family at home and he had the damn sense God gave him not to fuck that shit up. Smart guy.

Crazy in leather, he seemed amused. Even more amusing was this silent triangle thing that was passing between him, Knife guy and Bella-look-alike-zucchini sucker. I was starting to wonder what the motherfuck was going on there.

The best shit though, was my rainbow friend. The look in his eye could only be summed up as excited and nervous. In one moment, I thought he was going to jump up and run from the room, but on the other hand, he looked like he wanted that mouth or that zucchini all for himself.

"Un-fucking-believable," I scoffed. I was about to make some smartass comment. Probably along the lines of not needing help in anything sexual, because I'm Edward Cullen and really, that's all that needs to be said, but I thought better of it. I didn't want to disrespect my Bella like that.

**Daniel Gale POV**

I had no idea that a woman's mouth could hold so much...zucchini. Pack a few more pounds on her and she would be quite lovely.

"Excuse me, miss. Would you like some ranch dressing on that?" I figured that a nice sauce would make it taste better. I thought perhaps she was moaning because of the bitter flavor of her phallic vegetable. She just smiled at me and winked.

Embarrassed, I looked toward the other blokes. "I-I don't want to seduce produce. I want to seduce my Bella."

I pushed up my glasses and looked at Dick.

He cocked his head towards me. "Oh really," he said in a serious tone.

"You know, convince her to fornicate with me."

**Flower Child POV**

What in the fuck.

**Dickward POV**

Did he seriously just goddamn say..._forni-fucking-cate?_

_And what the fuck is the kid lookin' at?_

Sometimes, I truly wondered just exactly what the _FUCK _I was thinking, taking strays in, following strange...other people who looked eerily like myself into the den of goddamn iniquity that I like to call Sweet Tit's restaurant...

I pinched the bridge of my nose and then readied myself for the conversation I was about to have with rainbow sweater wearing, Skittles advocate guy. "You wanna..._convince _her...to _fornicate_?"

"That's right," he said, fiddling with his fucking glasses again.

I took a deep breath before this next part because hell, sometimes people were just a little too goddamn sensitive about sex and shit...but he looked like he could handle it...somewhere, deep down inside of his inner leather wearing bad ass. "Ever hear of fucking...I don't know...just..." I did hand gestures. "Taking her ass and...you know..._not asking_?"

"Um, what?"

"You know," I leaned in, just a tad. "I happen to know a Bella," I glanced quickly over to Sweet Tits, then back to my multicolored friend. "Or two, that love that kinda kinky ass shit." I wiggled my eyebrows at him and he got a little nervous.

"Oh, I don't think that..." he started, getting jittery and shit with a shaky kinda laugh. Then I put a hand on his shoulder to steady his ass out.

"Settle down, we're not talking about rocket fucking science here, it's sex."

The Kid happened to notice the conversation now and folded his arms across his chest, holding his hand up to his mouth to cover the laughter, but seriously, it wasn't like Skittles was a bad lookin' dude...as a matter of fucking fact, he wasn't half bad, you know...without the fucking bowl haircut and...coke bottle glasses, and...colors of the rainbow fashion fucking statement...

Sweet Tits was glaring now, which sent a direct goddamn signal to Eddy Jr. and I had to adjust the uh...situation, if ya get what I'm sayin'.

"Tell ya what," I told him, "You take a few lessons from Sweet T..." The Kid cleared his throat a little as he chopped another goddamn, whatever the fuck kind of mushroom he had on his table and I corrected myself. "This Bella, and I guaran-goddamn-tee, _your _Bella..." I cocked an eyebrow. "Won't need much...convincing."

**Secretward POV**

It looked like this class was about to get pretty fucking interesting. I could do the whole sex-ed thing. Seth was always coming to me for advice. I looked at my rainbow friend and I could literally see the wheelsturning in his brain as he processed everything that was going on.

"Like he said," I piped up, "convincing is hardly necessary. I bet your problem is that you think too damn much. Just let the shit flow. Go with what you feel. If _your_ Bella is anything like _my_ Bella, which I'm willing to bet she is, it would be a major fucking turn on if you just let your body do the talking and tell your mind to take a fucking hike."

I wasn't sure if he was getting what I was saying. So I had to think real fast and come up with an example for what I meant.

"Let's say, you and Bella are hanging out, kissing and shit. Which, by the way, kissing is the gateway drug. It opens the doors for so many fucking fantastic possibilities. So you're kissing, but it starts to get more heated and you want to touch her. Because fuck knows you do..."

I paused, thinking about how I always want to touch Bella. Always. My fingers twitch at just the fucking thought of touching Bella. Soft, silky, creamy, warm skin. I look up and see the room watching me, I realize everyone is waiting for me to continue.

Shit.

"Like I was saying, don't just let your hands hang by your side, fucking go for it. Girls liked to be touched. Chances are, she's waiting for you to get your head out of your ass anyway. Trust me, I have experience on this shit."

**Daniel Gale POV**

If the guys knew just how much I fantasized about nuzzling my Bella's num nums whilst squeezing her buttocks, they would think I was a complete pervert.

"Uh...I don't know guys," I chuckled. Their methods seems a bit aggressive. _Do women really want that? A man who takes charge?_

I looked over at Dick. "I think it's best to have a proper courtship first. You know, clean myself up a little bit, wear a suit and have a shave...take her out on a proper date. I could present her with flowers and chocolates. Perhaps at the end of the date she would let me hold her hand." _If I was lucky she would be the sort of girl who would let me kiss her and use my tongue._ I stared off to the side at a ripe pair of honeydew melons sitting on the counter and smiled. I could just see Bella's delight right now.

I looked towards the bloke who suggested that I man-handle Bella. "Nan always said that groping the ladies was ungentlemanly behavior. I reckoned that after a few months of my courtship, Bella and I might engage in some heavy petting. Doesn't that sound lovely?"

I looked around the room and cleared my throat.

For some reason the man with the knife started giggling and his lady-friend looked rather...aroused. The bloke with the children looked at me like I was a martian.

**Dee POV**

This guy was for real.

I blinked a couple of times and opened my mouth to speak, but something told me to hold back for a minute. He was really kind of innocent. And he was filled with all of these gentlemanly thoughts that I couldn't quite wrap my brain around. Most of the girls I knew wouldn't wait for months on end JUST to cop a feel. In fact, the first time I kissed my Bella, I had my hands down her pants.

"Look," I started, trying not to sound like an asshole. "Your Nan was probably right...at some point...like, when she was younger. But women nowadays don't exactly work on that type of time line anymore. I have a feeling that if you don't make a move on your girl, she's going to start feeling like there is something wrong with her."

I glanced around the room to see if anyone else was on board with my logic. They all seemed to be nodding a little, and the woman at the front of the class made a face like I was right.

Taking my phone in hand, I held it up and waved it towards the front of the class. "Danny Boy, I think you could learn a lot about seduction by reading through some of these stories. Maybe pick up a few tips? Pointers? This shit is popular with the ladies for a reason."

Daniel fidgeted again, messing with his glasses and clearing his throat while he attempted to hide his face with his shoulder.

"Seriously. Just take a look at a few of these stories and I guarantee that you'll learn a thing or two." My eyes wandered back to the front of the class where the instructors were glaring at me. "Oh, come on. This seems WAY more educational than making ravioli that the rest of us learned in our first week of Culinary, doesn't it?"

**Secretward POV**

"I'm definitely game for diving into some fucking lit-porn. Most of it has to be written by chicks anyway. So it's bound to give us a fun idea or two right?" I looked over at Beanie bro and he was nodding in agreement. I got the feeling that maybe he knew from experience.

"Besides, I bet there is some fucking amazing use of food and sex. We're all here to learn about something to do with food. Might as well make use of the time and have some damn fun."

"So," I said to my rainbow buddy, "what's your favorite food?" For whatever reason, I really wanted to help him out.

"Um...macaroni and cheese"

We all looked to beanie bro and he pulled out his phone to find lit-porn with sex and macaroni and cheese.

This shit was going to be fucking epic.

* * *

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